Sitting here listening to Emma fight her nap............I love her so much and I feel blessed everyday but damn I need a moments peace! I am in tears, and I am exhausted! I can't even get my brain to function most days. I love all my kids but some how I lost myself when I became a mother. Sometimes I feel selfish in thinking this way..........if I just had time for myself would I have more patients? Being a first time mom is hard and you think the next one you'll have all your shit together!
Being a mom is the ultimate sacrifice! You give up so much! Would I change a thing............never!
My kids are my world and I couldn't even imagine my life any differently! My sacrifices were worth the reward!
I have a dirty house, haven't brushed my teeth, ate a meal, or showered and its pretty frustrating I would love to do something with my hair but it's just thrown up in a bun and I am still in my Pajamas. My kids get the new cloths and the new hair cuts...........I haven't got my hair in 7 months and the last time I bought an outfit was before Emma was born! Why? Because that is one of the sacrifices!
I would love to go get my hair done instead of have to buy a $25 can of formula! Hey my kid has to eat and my hair can wait a little longer!
Am I happy everyday? Yes! Am I happy every moment? No!
My days are busy and short! There is never enough time to what I need to do and I have priorities first...........sorry the spa will have to wait! Okay lets be honest I have never been to the spa even before I had kids!
I think we all lose a little bit of ourselves when became parents but who said we have to lose all of ourselves?
Time to take some mommy time and not feel guilty about it!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Heavy Heart
Today my heart is very heavy! I have been following a page on facebook called Prayers For Corbin. It a story about a little boy who was born with an extra chromosome. His parents were told that he would not survive birth and to prepare themselves. Corbin was born 7 weeks early he was not born healthy but he was born fighting. Fighting for his life and as I followed this little boys journey and read about him having surgery after surgery I couldn't believe the strength that he had and the strength both his parents had. They were not giving up on their little boy. Everyday his mom would post a picture of Corbin with a sign that had a beautiful saying about fighting and not giving up and how many days he has been fighting. Corbin had another surgery he came out of it doing well but later in the week he had developed a bad infection in his stomach. Corbin returned to is heavenly father today at 7:04 in the morning. It broke my heart! Corbin's parents are amazing they made the comment that they will not be mourning Corbin but celebrating his 135 days of life. No black at the funeral but bright colors! I agree his life should be celebrated! A life that was shared with millions of people and touched many. I believe this was Corbin's purpose! I do not believe Corbin's story ends here.
I look at my children and feel so blessed! I know Corbin's mother felt extremely blessed! Her son gave others hope! What an amazing little boy! I know he is at peace now!
This is the last sign that Corbin's mother posted on his last day here on earth! May his family find some comfort in knowing this little boy touched so many lives! Corbin is a miracle in so many ways. I know I will never forget him.....he touched my heart!
Rest in peace Corbin!
I look at my children and feel so blessed! I know Corbin's mother felt extremely blessed! Her son gave others hope! What an amazing little boy! I know he is at peace now!
This is the last sign that Corbin's mother posted on his last day here on earth! May his family find some comfort in knowing this little boy touched so many lives! Corbin is a miracle in so many ways. I know I will never forget him.....he touched my heart!
Rest in peace Corbin!
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Right or Wrong?
As a first time parents it is rough! You are learning so much you have so many questions and you are not sure you are doing anything right. You look to others for help and you listen to there ideas even if you are not sure if what they are doing is what you want to do but you will try anything once! Let's be honest when your baby won't sleep and you are so tired you can't function and your ready to pull your hair out your about ready to do anything.
I started following a group March2013mamas and they are amazing! I have not seen much judgement about the way others see fit to raise there children and everyone seems to answer any question with the intent to help out a new mom. Most of these women came from another group and I have heard a lot about why they had left it. Most of them had said that some of the ladies just down right tear into you if you post something and they do not agree. So they started a drama free group where everyone is respectful to each other. Out of curiosity I went and checked out this group that they had said was horrible.
One Mother question was "My baby wont CIO". She did not believe in doing CIO but so many moms had recommended it and at her wits end she was ready to try anything. Well her baby was not going to sleep after waking up in the middle of night and she was just so tired she took advice from other mothers to let her cry it out and that is what she did. She's asking advice about what to do because letting her cry it out for almost 45 min didn't work and that baby got so worked up she was sweating from crying so hard. She also said she would never do it again!
I was shocked at the responses this mother who just needed some help got. Some of these other mothers were so cruel. Telling her she was a bad mom what was she thinking, how could she leave her crying for 45 min. A mother who just needed help and didn't know what to do was being ripped apart by these women. It was just so sad that these women could treat a mother in distress so badly.
She was going off what others had told her. Was she told in full detail of what CIO was and how to do it? Probably not! So what she was doing was what she thought was good because it had worked so well for others. I would definitely never leave my baby crying for that long and I do not believe in letting your baby cry it out but some mother's do and maybe she didn't know. Maybe she was confused on what to do. Being a new mom is hard and sometimes you just need help!
I am sure she already felt horrible about it and then these women just added to it. I was confused on why these women would treat her so bad. She made a mistake that doesn't make her a bad mother.
I think we need to be less judgemental when we are learning to parent. Most of use are learning how to be new parents and those that have older kids are learning new ways of parenting. I know I am.
So my point is instead of tearing each other apart when someone makes a mistake how about helping them. Lets help each other out cause let be honest parenting can be extremely difficult and not one parent is perfect.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
A letter for a new mom
One of the amazing ladies that is in a group I follow posted this link and it led to this letter1 I found it amazing being a first time mom or a new mom in general is difficult.
Dear Mommy,
You're freaking out, and you're scared to let anyone know. You're exhausted and anxious and run ragged, but you're also in love. It's a new kind of love; a shining diamond of a thing that you had no way of imagining before.
Here it is. The love that made it so you'll never sleep again.
The love that has you hearing footsteps in the hallway at night, the door to the nursery opening.
The love that shut the bathroom door this evening, so that you could take a bath; only, the white light and slippery tile were cold and every time you tried to soap up your hair, you heard a tiny cry that probably wasn't real.
This is the love that will kill you.
It feels that way, doesn't it? It feels like there is no possible way you'll make it as a mom. There is no way you'll be able to sustain this burn. You're feeling like you've gotten in over your head, because you've never loved something so much that it made you afraid to close your eyes.
You're afraid to lay your baby down and leave the room. The bare crib mattress is so wide, it's like a cold sea of space, and the two of you were so warm, together, before. You're afraid to fall asleep next to him, though, too. So many things could go wrong, just by snuggling up into bed for the night. You had no idea blankets and warmth and softness and sleep could be so menacing.
You're so tired you're seeing flashes of light in your peripheral vision. You're discovering an obscene, pornographic love for coffee and quiet and especially for naps. You're finding that you can't be touched by your husband at night; not now, not when you've scraped yourself too thin over the rocks of your new love and you have nothing left inside but a thin thread of panic, threatening to snap. Not while your startle reflex is running so high. Not while you're so fragile, you might break if he tried to take comfort in you.
If you broke, who would stay up at night, terrified of the shadows? Who would hold your tiny miracle just right, who would love him and smell the top of his head? Who would stare at him, marveling while he slept in their arms? Who would spring out of bed, heart pounding and fingers numb, and dash across the hallway at the first hint of his crying?
Shh, mommy. It's all OK. It's just that your love's purpose has come to life, and you've never been this needed before. You've never been this counted on, and you have no idea whether you're good enough to be what your child needs. You don't know that life as a parent won't always feel this way, that your child will eat and sleep without you someday, sooner than later. You don't know the depths of your abilities, how you are capable of astounding performances of sacrifice and courage and will.
All this time you've been alive, you've had no idea that you were capable of caring for a life.
God knows nobody ever taught you to care for your own. For as long as you can remember, people have been trying to mold you and crush you, reshape you and change your mind. They have been trying to sell to you that you're too fat, too dull, too stupid, too dirty, not sexy enough and that your sexuality is a sin. They have made you ashamed to pronounce certain parts of your body. They've called you names and put you down, held up a painted, unattainable image in front of you and told you to fight for it. They've told you that if you were enough, you would be thinner, prettier and more sought-after. You'd be quieter and smaller and sweeter. If you were good enough, you would be more like they said you should be.
You had no idea, all this time, that your body was miraculous, that you could grow something perfect inside of you. That, in a gush of pain and blood, you could deliver slippery, perfect innocence and beauty. That you had him inside of you all along. You didn't need to be prettier, you were god, all this time.
And it's quite a realization, isn't it?
How are you supposed to be god when you were only a no-good, ugly, fat, loser of a girl a few days ago? How are you supposed to wake up every morning and know that you're the only thing responsible for keeping the most beautiful being to ever breathe air, alive, when you're just you? How are you supposed to make this immaculate little person happy, make sure he's healthy and thriving, when you've never managed to even be able to tolerate yourself in the mirror?
I don't know how to explain to you that I know this, but you will do it and you will be amazing. All of the beauty and capability you're expecting of yourself, now that you're mommy? We've known it was in you all along. That's why we're your friends and husbands and sisters and admirers. That's why we call you just to talk. That's why we encourage you when you write and sing.
We knew you were amazing, even when you didn't.
And you do know it, now, even though you're fighting it.
You know that you can handle this, and that you'll get through it. You don't have a choice, and so you will pick yourself up, get help if you need to, call your doctor, take pills, go out for dinner with a friend and humiliate yourself by breaking down crying, stay up all night listening for intruders in the grass, sob at your husband's feet, call him at work and tell him to come home, panic and tremble and shake if you have to. Yell and throw up your breakfast. Skip showering for three and four days in a row because you simply can't muster up the initiative. Allow yourself all of your imperfections and fears, because they make up who you are and who you are is READY TO KICK ASS at this mothering thing. Who you are is BEAUTY and WISDOM and LOVE and LOVE and LOVE.
Who you are is Mommy, and you can do this. I swear.
Love,
An Admirer
Dear Mommy,
You're freaking out, and you're scared to let anyone know. You're exhausted and anxious and run ragged, but you're also in love. It's a new kind of love; a shining diamond of a thing that you had no way of imagining before.
Here it is. The love that made it so you'll never sleep again.
The love that has you hearing footsteps in the hallway at night, the door to the nursery opening.
The love that shut the bathroom door this evening, so that you could take a bath; only, the white light and slippery tile were cold and every time you tried to soap up your hair, you heard a tiny cry that probably wasn't real.
This is the love that will kill you.
It feels that way, doesn't it? It feels like there is no possible way you'll make it as a mom. There is no way you'll be able to sustain this burn. You're feeling like you've gotten in over your head, because you've never loved something so much that it made you afraid to close your eyes.
You're afraid to lay your baby down and leave the room. The bare crib mattress is so wide, it's like a cold sea of space, and the two of you were so warm, together, before. You're afraid to fall asleep next to him, though, too. So many things could go wrong, just by snuggling up into bed for the night. You had no idea blankets and warmth and softness and sleep could be so menacing.
You're so tired you're seeing flashes of light in your peripheral vision. You're discovering an obscene, pornographic love for coffee and quiet and especially for naps. You're finding that you can't be touched by your husband at night; not now, not when you've scraped yourself too thin over the rocks of your new love and you have nothing left inside but a thin thread of panic, threatening to snap. Not while your startle reflex is running so high. Not while you're so fragile, you might break if he tried to take comfort in you.
If you broke, who would stay up at night, terrified of the shadows? Who would hold your tiny miracle just right, who would love him and smell the top of his head? Who would stare at him, marveling while he slept in their arms? Who would spring out of bed, heart pounding and fingers numb, and dash across the hallway at the first hint of his crying?
Shh, mommy. It's all OK. It's just that your love's purpose has come to life, and you've never been this needed before. You've never been this counted on, and you have no idea whether you're good enough to be what your child needs. You don't know that life as a parent won't always feel this way, that your child will eat and sleep without you someday, sooner than later. You don't know the depths of your abilities, how you are capable of astounding performances of sacrifice and courage and will.
All this time you've been alive, you've had no idea that you were capable of caring for a life.
God knows nobody ever taught you to care for your own. For as long as you can remember, people have been trying to mold you and crush you, reshape you and change your mind. They have been trying to sell to you that you're too fat, too dull, too stupid, too dirty, not sexy enough and that your sexuality is a sin. They have made you ashamed to pronounce certain parts of your body. They've called you names and put you down, held up a painted, unattainable image in front of you and told you to fight for it. They've told you that if you were enough, you would be thinner, prettier and more sought-after. You'd be quieter and smaller and sweeter. If you were good enough, you would be more like they said you should be.
You had no idea, all this time, that your body was miraculous, that you could grow something perfect inside of you. That, in a gush of pain and blood, you could deliver slippery, perfect innocence and beauty. That you had him inside of you all along. You didn't need to be prettier, you were god, all this time.
And it's quite a realization, isn't it?
How are you supposed to be god when you were only a no-good, ugly, fat, loser of a girl a few days ago? How are you supposed to wake up every morning and know that you're the only thing responsible for keeping the most beautiful being to ever breathe air, alive, when you're just you? How are you supposed to make this immaculate little person happy, make sure he's healthy and thriving, when you've never managed to even be able to tolerate yourself in the mirror?
I don't know how to explain to you that I know this, but you will do it and you will be amazing. All of the beauty and capability you're expecting of yourself, now that you're mommy? We've known it was in you all along. That's why we're your friends and husbands and sisters and admirers. That's why we call you just to talk. That's why we encourage you when you write and sing.
We knew you were amazing, even when you didn't.
And you do know it, now, even though you're fighting it.
You know that you can handle this, and that you'll get through it. You don't have a choice, and so you will pick yourself up, get help if you need to, call your doctor, take pills, go out for dinner with a friend and humiliate yourself by breaking down crying, stay up all night listening for intruders in the grass, sob at your husband's feet, call him at work and tell him to come home, panic and tremble and shake if you have to. Yell and throw up your breakfast. Skip showering for three and four days in a row because you simply can't muster up the initiative. Allow yourself all of your imperfections and fears, because they make up who you are and who you are is READY TO KICK ASS at this mothering thing. Who you are is BEAUTY and WISDOM and LOVE and LOVE and LOVE.
Who you are is Mommy, and you can do this. I swear.
Love,
An Admirer
A Poem
This a poem that my friend Crystal wrote and gave to me after my son had passed. I think it is beautiful. She had written it for her sister that had lost her twin boys just a year earlier.
As you looked up at the star filled sky
I am sure you had to wonder why
Why you'd gone through such grief and pain
just to say goodbye to him when he came
His life was short but filled with love
he was truly sent from God above.
As you looked up at the moon so high
And saw his face through the tear in your eye
I'm sire it hurt to let him go
Only you his mother could ever know.
-Author Crystal Atwood
As you looked up at the star filled sky
I am sure you had to wonder why
Why you'd gone through such grief and pain
just to say goodbye to him when he came
His life was short but filled with love
he was truly sent from God above.
As you looked up at the moon so high
And saw his face through the tear in your eye
I'm sire it hurt to let him go
Only you his mother could ever know.
-Author Crystal Atwood
Kolby's Story
Kolby Wayne Eaby was born on March 13, 1999 at 4:44am weighing in at 13 1/2 oz and 10 inches long. He was born 24 weeks early. Kolby past away during birth. This is his story and my experience being pregnant for the first time and the emotional roller coaster that I went through when he didn't survive.
I found out I was pregnant when I was 17 years old. I was working at KFC and I was at work when I found out. I was freaking out and I was scared to tell everyone. The first person I told was Brandon that is Kolby's father. I think he was also terrified and our relationship was not the best and the only reason we stayed together as long as we did was because of the pregnancy. I told my parents in the worse way during an argument and I wish I would have done it better. They were not angry just disappointed. My mom was a teen mom and did not want the same thing for her children. I think she was scared for me. At this time adoption was not an option for me. I wanted my baby!
My pregnancy was never easy. I was sick from the very beginning all day and night. I would make sure I was in bed early just to avoid getting sick. Everything made me sick my prenatal vitamins and so many smells I couldn't keep track. I constantly threw up at work from the smell of the chicken and I would get sick in front of customers and have to run to the bathroom. It was horrible and embarrassing.
I left my job at KFC and started working at Artic Circle. Brandon had just got an apartment right for us and the baby but I was not old enough to move in yet so I stayed at my parents . One day I was working and I slipped on some water and landed on my back. I was really worried but didn't go to the doctor cause everything seemed fine and I didn't have any pain. About a week later I was having some odd discharge and I told my mom but she wasn't to concerned and just thought I was worrying for nothing. I just had a feeling that something was wrong I couldn't shake the feeling at all. A couple of days later I woke up and I was bleeding a lot I was terrified. My mom drove me to the emergency room. They ran some test and couldn't find any reason for the bleeding they sent me home with the thought that I was possibly having a threatened miscarriage. The bleeding continued and the doctors could not find anything wrong I was constantly going to the emergency room. I had a ultra sound on February 12 and found out we were having a baby boy! I was so excited. I was put on strict bed rest and I had to leave school I did sign up for home school and would start on March 16th. I was so scared and I was so frustrated. I was told I couldn't be alone so I spent a lot of time going back and forth to my aunts and grandmas house . The bleeding continued and there was nothing we could do. On March 10th I was at the apartment just hanging out with Brandon and started having extremely horrible pain so Brandon took me too the hospital I was in labor and they admitted me. I was given medicine to stop the contraction but I had lost so much blood that I was told I need to abort the pregnancy or have a blood transfusion if I didn't get the transfusion immediately me and the baby would die.
I know I was just a teenager but I was a mom and no matter what age it doesn't not take away the love you have for a child and the fact the you would do anything for your child even if it meant giving your life for your child and I was not ready to give up. I had the blood transfusion! I spent a few days in the hospital. On Friday the 13 I was doing much better the bleeding had slowed and I was having no pain. I wanted to go home! My aunt was getting married that night and I wanted to attend so bad I was supposed to be in the wedding and because I was so sick I couldn't but I still wanted to go. I got the okay to leave the hospital and go to the wedding as long as I sat the whole time.
Everything was great I was happy I didn't have to miss the wedding. During the reception I stared having really bad back pain so my grandma took me back to her house. The pain got worse and worse I couldn't take it anymore around midnight my mom took me to the hospital straight to labor and delivery. I was in labor again and there was no stopping it. It went so fast the doctor never made it to the room the nurse delivered the baby. It was natural child birth and I delivered the baby still in the placenta which I was later told that it very painful more than regular birth. My baby boy never took a breath my heart was breaking. I can't not explain that feeling but I will never forget it.
I held my baby boy as much as I possibly could and I was not ready when the mortuary took him away. The next morning I just wanted to go home I didn't want to be in that room where my son died it was to much to bare. Few days later we had to go to the mortuary and plan the funeral. I was not expecting them to ask me if I wanted to see my son. How could I say no that was my baby! They took us to the room and immediately I lost it my baby didn't even look the same and it broke my heart me and my mom just cried together.
I eventually learned that because of my fall the placenta had separated from my uterus and had caused a huge blood clot . The placenta had completely separated from the uterus which caused me to go into early labor
We had the funeral and there was so much support from family and friends! I visit my son every year on his birthday. I miss him everyday and I pray I will get the chance to be his mom again. For a long time I blamed myself thinking I could have done something to avoid this tragedy and sometime it still crosses my mind but I try my hardest to know I did everything I could and I would have done anything for my son.
I found out I was pregnant when I was 17 years old. I was working at KFC and I was at work when I found out. I was freaking out and I was scared to tell everyone. The first person I told was Brandon that is Kolby's father. I think he was also terrified and our relationship was not the best and the only reason we stayed together as long as we did was because of the pregnancy. I told my parents in the worse way during an argument and I wish I would have done it better. They were not angry just disappointed. My mom was a teen mom and did not want the same thing for her children. I think she was scared for me. At this time adoption was not an option for me. I wanted my baby!
My pregnancy was never easy. I was sick from the very beginning all day and night. I would make sure I was in bed early just to avoid getting sick. Everything made me sick my prenatal vitamins and so many smells I couldn't keep track. I constantly threw up at work from the smell of the chicken and I would get sick in front of customers and have to run to the bathroom. It was horrible and embarrassing.
I left my job at KFC and started working at Artic Circle. Brandon had just got an apartment right for us and the baby but I was not old enough to move in yet so I stayed at my parents . One day I was working and I slipped on some water and landed on my back. I was really worried but didn't go to the doctor cause everything seemed fine and I didn't have any pain. About a week later I was having some odd discharge and I told my mom but she wasn't to concerned and just thought I was worrying for nothing. I just had a feeling that something was wrong I couldn't shake the feeling at all. A couple of days later I woke up and I was bleeding a lot I was terrified. My mom drove me to the emergency room. They ran some test and couldn't find any reason for the bleeding they sent me home with the thought that I was possibly having a threatened miscarriage. The bleeding continued and the doctors could not find anything wrong I was constantly going to the emergency room. I had a ultra sound on February 12 and found out we were having a baby boy! I was so excited. I was put on strict bed rest and I had to leave school I did sign up for home school and would start on March 16th. I was so scared and I was so frustrated. I was told I couldn't be alone so I spent a lot of time going back and forth to my aunts and grandmas house . The bleeding continued and there was nothing we could do. On March 10th I was at the apartment just hanging out with Brandon and started having extremely horrible pain so Brandon took me too the hospital I was in labor and they admitted me. I was given medicine to stop the contraction but I had lost so much blood that I was told I need to abort the pregnancy or have a blood transfusion if I didn't get the transfusion immediately me and the baby would die.
I know I was just a teenager but I was a mom and no matter what age it doesn't not take away the love you have for a child and the fact the you would do anything for your child even if it meant giving your life for your child and I was not ready to give up. I had the blood transfusion! I spent a few days in the hospital. On Friday the 13 I was doing much better the bleeding had slowed and I was having no pain. I wanted to go home! My aunt was getting married that night and I wanted to attend so bad I was supposed to be in the wedding and because I was so sick I couldn't but I still wanted to go. I got the okay to leave the hospital and go to the wedding as long as I sat the whole time.
Everything was great I was happy I didn't have to miss the wedding. During the reception I stared having really bad back pain so my grandma took me back to her house. The pain got worse and worse I couldn't take it anymore around midnight my mom took me to the hospital straight to labor and delivery. I was in labor again and there was no stopping it. It went so fast the doctor never made it to the room the nurse delivered the baby. It was natural child birth and I delivered the baby still in the placenta which I was later told that it very painful more than regular birth. My baby boy never took a breath my heart was breaking. I can't not explain that feeling but I will never forget it.
I held my baby boy as much as I possibly could and I was not ready when the mortuary took him away. The next morning I just wanted to go home I didn't want to be in that room where my son died it was to much to bare. Few days later we had to go to the mortuary and plan the funeral. I was not expecting them to ask me if I wanted to see my son. How could I say no that was my baby! They took us to the room and immediately I lost it my baby didn't even look the same and it broke my heart me and my mom just cried together.
I eventually learned that because of my fall the placenta had separated from my uterus and had caused a huge blood clot . The placenta had completely separated from the uterus which caused me to go into early labor
We had the funeral and there was so much support from family and friends! I visit my son every year on his birthday. I miss him everyday and I pray I will get the chance to be his mom again. For a long time I blamed myself thinking I could have done something to avoid this tragedy and sometime it still crosses my mind but I try my hardest to know I did everything I could and I would have done anything for my son.
Friday, July 26, 2013
This blog is about my life how I see things. How I view being a women, a mom, and a wife. I am writing about my life and how I see things, how I feel about things. I thought my blog name was fitting because it is about my life and no one know it better than myself. I have been wanting to write a blog for awhile so that I could have a chance to share my experiences. I wish I would have started one earlier but better now than never.
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