One of the amazing ladies that is in a group I follow posted this link and it led to this letter1 I found it amazing being a first time mom or a new mom in general is difficult.
Dear Mommy,
You're freaking out, and you're scared to let anyone know. You're exhausted and anxious and run ragged, but you're also in love. It's a new kind of love; a shining diamond of a thing that you had no way of imagining before.
Here it is. The love that made it so you'll never sleep again.
The love that has you hearing footsteps in the hallway at night, the door to the nursery opening.
The love that shut the bathroom door this evening, so that you could take a bath; only, the white light and slippery tile were cold and every time you tried to soap up your hair, you heard a tiny cry that probably wasn't real.
This is the love that will kill you.
It feels that way, doesn't it? It feels like there is no possible way you'll make it as a mom. There is no way you'll be able to sustain this burn. You're feeling like you've gotten in over your head, because you've never loved something so much that it made you afraid to close your eyes.
You're afraid to lay your baby down and leave the room. The bare crib mattress is so wide, it's like a cold sea of space, and the two of you were so warm, together, before. You're afraid to fall asleep next to him, though, too. So many things could go wrong, just by snuggling up into bed for the night. You had no idea blankets and warmth and softness and sleep could be so menacing.
You're so tired you're seeing flashes of light in your peripheral vision. You're discovering an obscene, pornographic love for coffee and quiet and especially for naps. You're finding that you can't be touched by your husband at night; not now, not when you've scraped yourself too thin over the rocks of your new love and you have nothing left inside but a thin thread of panic, threatening to snap. Not while your startle reflex is running so high. Not while you're so fragile, you might break if he tried to take comfort in you.
If you broke, who would stay up at night, terrified of the shadows? Who would hold your tiny miracle just right, who would love him and smell the top of his head? Who would stare at him, marveling while he slept in their arms? Who would spring out of bed, heart pounding and fingers numb, and dash across the hallway at the first hint of his crying?
Shh, mommy. It's all OK. It's just that your love's purpose has come to life, and you've never been this needed before. You've never been this counted on, and you have no idea whether you're good enough to be what your child needs. You don't know that life as a parent won't always feel this way, that your child will eat and sleep without you someday, sooner than later. You don't know the depths of your abilities, how you are capable of astounding performances of sacrifice and courage and will.
All this time you've been alive, you've had no idea that you were capable of caring for a life.
God knows nobody ever taught you to care for your own. For as long as you can remember, people have been trying to mold you and crush you, reshape you and change your mind. They have been trying to sell to you that you're too fat, too dull, too stupid, too dirty, not sexy enough and that your sexuality is a sin. They have made you ashamed to pronounce certain parts of your body. They've called you names and put you down, held up a painted, unattainable image in front of you and told you to fight for it. They've told you that if you were enough, you would be thinner, prettier and more sought-after. You'd be quieter and smaller and sweeter. If you were good enough, you would be more like they said you should be.
You had no idea, all this time, that your body was miraculous, that you could grow something perfect inside of you. That, in a gush of pain and blood, you could deliver slippery, perfect innocence and beauty. That you had him inside of you all along. You didn't need to be prettier, you were god, all this time.
And it's quite a realization, isn't it?
How are you supposed to be god when you were only a no-good, ugly, fat, loser of a girl a few days ago? How are you supposed to wake up every morning and know that you're the only thing responsible for keeping the most beautiful being to ever breathe air, alive, when you're just you? How are you supposed to make this immaculate little person happy, make sure he's healthy and thriving, when you've never managed to even be able to tolerate yourself in the mirror?
I don't know how to explain to you that I know this, but you will do it and you will be amazing. All of the beauty and capability you're expecting of yourself, now that you're mommy? We've known it was in you all along. That's why we're your friends and husbands and sisters and admirers. That's why we call you just to talk. That's why we encourage you when you write and sing.
We knew you were amazing, even when you didn't.
And you do know it, now, even though you're fighting it.
You know that you can handle this, and that you'll get through it. You don't have a choice, and so you will pick yourself up, get help if you need to, call your doctor, take pills, go out for dinner with a friend and humiliate yourself by breaking down crying, stay up all night listening for intruders in the grass, sob at your husband's feet, call him at work and tell him to come home, panic and tremble and shake if you have to. Yell and throw up your breakfast. Skip showering for three and four days in a row because you simply can't muster up the initiative. Allow yourself all of your imperfections and fears, because they make up who you are and who you are is READY TO KICK ASS at this mothering thing. Who you are is BEAUTY and WISDOM and LOVE and LOVE and LOVE.
Who you are is Mommy, and you can do this. I swear.
Love,
An Admirer
Sunday, July 28, 2013
A Poem
This a poem that my friend Crystal wrote and gave to me after my son had passed. I think it is beautiful. She had written it for her sister that had lost her twin boys just a year earlier.
As you looked up at the star filled sky
I am sure you had to wonder why
Why you'd gone through such grief and pain
just to say goodbye to him when he came
His life was short but filled with love
he was truly sent from God above.
As you looked up at the moon so high
And saw his face through the tear in your eye
I'm sire it hurt to let him go
Only you his mother could ever know.
-Author Crystal Atwood
As you looked up at the star filled sky
I am sure you had to wonder why
Why you'd gone through such grief and pain
just to say goodbye to him when he came
His life was short but filled with love
he was truly sent from God above.
As you looked up at the moon so high
And saw his face through the tear in your eye
I'm sire it hurt to let him go
Only you his mother could ever know.
-Author Crystal Atwood
Kolby's Story
Kolby Wayne Eaby was born on March 13, 1999 at 4:44am weighing in at 13 1/2 oz and 10 inches long. He was born 24 weeks early. Kolby past away during birth. This is his story and my experience being pregnant for the first time and the emotional roller coaster that I went through when he didn't survive.
I found out I was pregnant when I was 17 years old. I was working at KFC and I was at work when I found out. I was freaking out and I was scared to tell everyone. The first person I told was Brandon that is Kolby's father. I think he was also terrified and our relationship was not the best and the only reason we stayed together as long as we did was because of the pregnancy. I told my parents in the worse way during an argument and I wish I would have done it better. They were not angry just disappointed. My mom was a teen mom and did not want the same thing for her children. I think she was scared for me. At this time adoption was not an option for me. I wanted my baby!
My pregnancy was never easy. I was sick from the very beginning all day and night. I would make sure I was in bed early just to avoid getting sick. Everything made me sick my prenatal vitamins and so many smells I couldn't keep track. I constantly threw up at work from the smell of the chicken and I would get sick in front of customers and have to run to the bathroom. It was horrible and embarrassing.
I left my job at KFC and started working at Artic Circle. Brandon had just got an apartment right for us and the baby but I was not old enough to move in yet so I stayed at my parents . One day I was working and I slipped on some water and landed on my back. I was really worried but didn't go to the doctor cause everything seemed fine and I didn't have any pain. About a week later I was having some odd discharge and I told my mom but she wasn't to concerned and just thought I was worrying for nothing. I just had a feeling that something was wrong I couldn't shake the feeling at all. A couple of days later I woke up and I was bleeding a lot I was terrified. My mom drove me to the emergency room. They ran some test and couldn't find any reason for the bleeding they sent me home with the thought that I was possibly having a threatened miscarriage. The bleeding continued and the doctors could not find anything wrong I was constantly going to the emergency room. I had a ultra sound on February 12 and found out we were having a baby boy! I was so excited. I was put on strict bed rest and I had to leave school I did sign up for home school and would start on March 16th. I was so scared and I was so frustrated. I was told I couldn't be alone so I spent a lot of time going back and forth to my aunts and grandmas house . The bleeding continued and there was nothing we could do. On March 10th I was at the apartment just hanging out with Brandon and started having extremely horrible pain so Brandon took me too the hospital I was in labor and they admitted me. I was given medicine to stop the contraction but I had lost so much blood that I was told I need to abort the pregnancy or have a blood transfusion if I didn't get the transfusion immediately me and the baby would die.
I know I was just a teenager but I was a mom and no matter what age it doesn't not take away the love you have for a child and the fact the you would do anything for your child even if it meant giving your life for your child and I was not ready to give up. I had the blood transfusion! I spent a few days in the hospital. On Friday the 13 I was doing much better the bleeding had slowed and I was having no pain. I wanted to go home! My aunt was getting married that night and I wanted to attend so bad I was supposed to be in the wedding and because I was so sick I couldn't but I still wanted to go. I got the okay to leave the hospital and go to the wedding as long as I sat the whole time.
Everything was great I was happy I didn't have to miss the wedding. During the reception I stared having really bad back pain so my grandma took me back to her house. The pain got worse and worse I couldn't take it anymore around midnight my mom took me to the hospital straight to labor and delivery. I was in labor again and there was no stopping it. It went so fast the doctor never made it to the room the nurse delivered the baby. It was natural child birth and I delivered the baby still in the placenta which I was later told that it very painful more than regular birth. My baby boy never took a breath my heart was breaking. I can't not explain that feeling but I will never forget it.
I held my baby boy as much as I possibly could and I was not ready when the mortuary took him away. The next morning I just wanted to go home I didn't want to be in that room where my son died it was to much to bare. Few days later we had to go to the mortuary and plan the funeral. I was not expecting them to ask me if I wanted to see my son. How could I say no that was my baby! They took us to the room and immediately I lost it my baby didn't even look the same and it broke my heart me and my mom just cried together.
I eventually learned that because of my fall the placenta had separated from my uterus and had caused a huge blood clot . The placenta had completely separated from the uterus which caused me to go into early labor
We had the funeral and there was so much support from family and friends! I visit my son every year on his birthday. I miss him everyday and I pray I will get the chance to be his mom again. For a long time I blamed myself thinking I could have done something to avoid this tragedy and sometime it still crosses my mind but I try my hardest to know I did everything I could and I would have done anything for my son.
I found out I was pregnant when I was 17 years old. I was working at KFC and I was at work when I found out. I was freaking out and I was scared to tell everyone. The first person I told was Brandon that is Kolby's father. I think he was also terrified and our relationship was not the best and the only reason we stayed together as long as we did was because of the pregnancy. I told my parents in the worse way during an argument and I wish I would have done it better. They were not angry just disappointed. My mom was a teen mom and did not want the same thing for her children. I think she was scared for me. At this time adoption was not an option for me. I wanted my baby!
My pregnancy was never easy. I was sick from the very beginning all day and night. I would make sure I was in bed early just to avoid getting sick. Everything made me sick my prenatal vitamins and so many smells I couldn't keep track. I constantly threw up at work from the smell of the chicken and I would get sick in front of customers and have to run to the bathroom. It was horrible and embarrassing.
I left my job at KFC and started working at Artic Circle. Brandon had just got an apartment right for us and the baby but I was not old enough to move in yet so I stayed at my parents . One day I was working and I slipped on some water and landed on my back. I was really worried but didn't go to the doctor cause everything seemed fine and I didn't have any pain. About a week later I was having some odd discharge and I told my mom but she wasn't to concerned and just thought I was worrying for nothing. I just had a feeling that something was wrong I couldn't shake the feeling at all. A couple of days later I woke up and I was bleeding a lot I was terrified. My mom drove me to the emergency room. They ran some test and couldn't find any reason for the bleeding they sent me home with the thought that I was possibly having a threatened miscarriage. The bleeding continued and the doctors could not find anything wrong I was constantly going to the emergency room. I had a ultra sound on February 12 and found out we were having a baby boy! I was so excited. I was put on strict bed rest and I had to leave school I did sign up for home school and would start on March 16th. I was so scared and I was so frustrated. I was told I couldn't be alone so I spent a lot of time going back and forth to my aunts and grandmas house . The bleeding continued and there was nothing we could do. On March 10th I was at the apartment just hanging out with Brandon and started having extremely horrible pain so Brandon took me too the hospital I was in labor and they admitted me. I was given medicine to stop the contraction but I had lost so much blood that I was told I need to abort the pregnancy or have a blood transfusion if I didn't get the transfusion immediately me and the baby would die.
I know I was just a teenager but I was a mom and no matter what age it doesn't not take away the love you have for a child and the fact the you would do anything for your child even if it meant giving your life for your child and I was not ready to give up. I had the blood transfusion! I spent a few days in the hospital. On Friday the 13 I was doing much better the bleeding had slowed and I was having no pain. I wanted to go home! My aunt was getting married that night and I wanted to attend so bad I was supposed to be in the wedding and because I was so sick I couldn't but I still wanted to go. I got the okay to leave the hospital and go to the wedding as long as I sat the whole time.
Everything was great I was happy I didn't have to miss the wedding. During the reception I stared having really bad back pain so my grandma took me back to her house. The pain got worse and worse I couldn't take it anymore around midnight my mom took me to the hospital straight to labor and delivery. I was in labor again and there was no stopping it. It went so fast the doctor never made it to the room the nurse delivered the baby. It was natural child birth and I delivered the baby still in the placenta which I was later told that it very painful more than regular birth. My baby boy never took a breath my heart was breaking. I can't not explain that feeling but I will never forget it.
I held my baby boy as much as I possibly could and I was not ready when the mortuary took him away. The next morning I just wanted to go home I didn't want to be in that room where my son died it was to much to bare. Few days later we had to go to the mortuary and plan the funeral. I was not expecting them to ask me if I wanted to see my son. How could I say no that was my baby! They took us to the room and immediately I lost it my baby didn't even look the same and it broke my heart me and my mom just cried together.
I eventually learned that because of my fall the placenta had separated from my uterus and had caused a huge blood clot . The placenta had completely separated from the uterus which caused me to go into early labor
We had the funeral and there was so much support from family and friends! I visit my son every year on his birthday. I miss him everyday and I pray I will get the chance to be his mom again. For a long time I blamed myself thinking I could have done something to avoid this tragedy and sometime it still crosses my mind but I try my hardest to know I did everything I could and I would have done anything for my son.
Friday, July 26, 2013
This blog is about my life how I see things. How I view being a women, a mom, and a wife. I am writing about my life and how I see things, how I feel about things. I thought my blog name was fitting because it is about my life and no one know it better than myself. I have been wanting to write a blog for awhile so that I could have a chance to share my experiences. I wish I would have started one earlier but better now than never.
Things that change when you have a baby........
I have a 4 month old little girl and I found a link on the Internet that I found interesting "42 things that change when you have a baby I decided to pick my favorite ones!
where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid
This is so true! I fear everything and its not with my baby but with all three of my kids! I fear them being teased t school, making friends, getting hurt physically and mentally. all my fears are for my kids when they walk out that door everyday. I fear for Emma every time I put her down to sleep SIDS is something I have worried about the moment I brought her home so much that it would bring me to tears because I couldn't imagine it happening to her. The fear you have for your children is unlike any other and some of the thing you worry about can seem so silly but how do can you help it these are your children.
You respect your parents and love them in a new way
Oh how I appreciate my parents so much more! I feel like I was pretty ungrateful when I was a child. Being a parent is hard work and I can not imagine what my mom had to grow through when I was little being a single parent till I was about 5 I don't think I could do it without my husband. I wish my own kids appreciated me more and I realize that is what my mom felt like ex-specially going through the teenage years when I was horrible. I look back now and I know they did the best they new how to.
You find that your baby's pain feels much more worse than your own
Nothing is worse than when your child is in pain and you can not fix it. you want nothing more than to take that pain away from them.
Everyday is a surprise
I love when Emma learns something new. She changes everyday and it definitely is surprising. she does something new everyday! It could be something as small as a new look or the way she laughs its so amazing to me how much they change so quickly. Everyday is different and no day is ever the same there is always a new challenge.
Your heart breaks much more easily
When your child is sad and you see those tears it is so heartbreaking. It breaks my heart when my kids are upset even I am the one that upset them.
Bodily functions are no longer repulsive
Poop is absolutely disgusting and I hate changing poopy diapers, however when Emma poops it makes me happy. nothing makes me happier than to know my baby's body is doing what it's supposed to. I love the cute faces she make when they go! I can't help laugh at those tiny little farts she has!
You rather buy your baby something than yourself
I love shopping for my little one. I rather buy her a new toy or outfit than buy something for myself!
You discover an inner strength you never thought you had
Let's be honest being a parent is rough and sometimes you think you can't take anymore but something inside helps you pull yourself together so you can be a parent again.
You learn that taking a shower is a luxury
Getting a shower is amazing when you get the chance which is not often and I usually shower while I bathe Emma but when I get a shower to myself it is like heaven.
You just plain love your life
Nothing completes your life more than your children and they are what life is all about. Even in my darkest moments they can put a smile on my face!
Nothing is just yours anymore. You share everything
You give everything to your baby ex specially yourself. Your time is no longer yours. As they grow your food will longer be yours either . Ha ha
I love every moment with my children but life does change and it does take adjusting. I wouldn't change one single moment. I love being a mom and my children are why my life is so wonderful!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)